*Chills*

"Though the world is incased in twilight, I am still it's princess."

"I am Zelda."

Pwnt. ^_^

"BOB ROSS! THAT WAS CRAZYCAKES."

  Yeah. New phrase.

Since I haven't really updated in a long time I thought I would take the time out of meh day to do so. :) Becasue I'm cool like that. Plus its a good time to. First, my recent activites/photoblog! Woot.

First because I'm cool... my camera takes pretty cool video. This is Rob, if anyone doesn't know that. Rob's never like TOUCHED another girl before a few weeks ago. Anyway. He keeps telling these crazy drunk church girls that he doesn't know how to dance, and trying to get them to show him. Just proves a point: Rob's a stud. Secretly. But he's a stud.

^Jim                                                              ^Matthias

Yeah. That's right. We're crazy drunk bitches and stuff.

Someone stole the camera while I was talking...or making out... or something.

^Matthias           ^Brad               ^Jim              ^Sarah

For the record. Margaritas are horrible and icky.

Douglass is a crazy sexy scottish "cattarpillar".

The morning after. Me and mandy went to Mickey D's in a bath robe and some pumps. She's wearing the bathrobe so....

Ah good times. Anyway. For anybody who cares:

I'm in a much, MUCH better mood now that I've developed a social life. I think that was a large part of my problem was.

School of course is going well. You know.. it's school.

Other than that there's not a whole lot to talk about. Just thought I would say hello to the world. :)

Drill it.

Sorry about being cryptic:

I try to stay on top of you
To hold your body down
Your shaking seems to hinder
Every grasp that I had found
Moving every inch around you
to diffuse your private bomb
I stretch my self surrounding
And protecting you from harm

I use a wallet for your mouth
So when you bite you will not bleed
I drilled a wire through my cheek
And let it down and out my sleeve
And now you’re pulling out the best of me
Yeah which never ever comes
This wire is all that’s left of me
And its hooked within my gums, within my gums

So drill it, so drill it, so hard i feel it …it’s okay
So drill it, so drill it, so hard i feel it …it’s okay

I hate to show a need for this
I cut myself to shame
To get to know who this masochist
Who’s stolen my first name
Pretending he’s a teacher
Holding all my weight at ease
But the teacher seems to split in two
Destroying both his knees
and now crawling I position myself
Below your broken wings
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me
I never noticed it was swollen
With a touch brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain, all your rain

So drill it, so drill it, so hard i feel it …it’s okay
So drill it, so drill it, so hard i feel it …it’s okay

I didn't think to bring a washcloth
Or to rub away the dirt
Myself & I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt
and when the hurt comes there’s an argument
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while
A dream we all should count on
Yeah a vision I believe
And where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve
And where loneliness is history
Told to pack your shit and leave
And when guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need
And where crying isn’t secret
It’s the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will achieve, I will achieve

So drill it, so drill it, so hard i feel it …it’s okay
So drill it, so drill it, so hard i feel it …it’s okay

Currently Listening Foiled By Blue October Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek see related

...Like a High-maintenance Chick Missing her Diamonds

And so
Annie waits, Annie waits, Annie waits
For a call
From a friend
The same
It's the same
Was it always the same?
Annie waits for the last time

The clock never stops, never stops, never waits
She's growing old
It's getting late
And so he forgot, he forgot
Maybe not
Maybe he's been seriously hurt
Would that be worse?

Headlights crest the hill
Shadows pass her by and out of sight
Annie sees her dreams:
Friday bingo, pigeons in the park

Annie waits for the last time
Just the same as the last time

Annie says "You see this is why I'd rather be alone."

And so
Annie waits, Annie waits, Annie waits
For a call
From a friend
The same
It's the same
Was it always the same?
Annie waits as the last...

Headlights crest the hill
Who will be the one for evermore?
Annie, I could be
If we're both still lonely when we're old

Annie waits for the last time
Just the same as the last time
Annie waits for the last time
Just the same as the last time

Annie waits
But not for me

I've always been a firm beleiver in the idea that God was out to get me, and truthfully, that's how it's worked. I think that I should just create drama and stuff in my life, becuase generally whenever I get it on track, someone just casually chucks a dime in, that hits a wheel at exactly the right angle causing the train to derail, killing a nearby village of orphan children whose bodies decay creating a super-plague (SARS) that kills half of China. Yep my misfortune created SARS.

Okay, so my life isn't that dramtic. But it's pretty close...

I wake up. I'm having a pretty good day. I have no school tomorrow, and no homework to speak of. (okay maybe a little but nothing major.) I'm dreading going to work because I don't want to. I get up and go to my Music For Elementary Ed. Majors. It was good. :) We had a serious discussion about the educational system. Which it's good to be around people who are just as nervous and excited as I am. Sometimes, I know I picked the right major. That always makes me feel good. When I think back to the good teachers that I've had and how they were there for me when my own parents weren't, it makes me feel good.

I get back and I'm hanging out wtih Handsome Rob, and decide that I'm not going to go into work an hour early like normal. I want to hang out with Rob, becasue I never get to see him anymore, since he works all the time. :(

I get back to my room after Rob leaves to go see Mia (His Asian) and check my email, because for some reason my g-talk thing isn't working. I have 9 messages. Most of them are like: "facebook...myspace...myspace...xanga...oh, what's this?"

From: Jennifer Stegall

Currently Listening Villains By The Verve Pipe Freshman see related

"I Am Just Finding it Harder and Harder to Believe in Happiness"

She burns

Today's on fire
The sky is bleeding above me, and I am blistered
I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day
And still:

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

I feel diseased
Is there no sympathy from the sun?
The sky's still fire
But I am safe in here, from the world outside

So tell me
What's the price to pay for glory?

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to her
She's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

Today is fire, and she burns
Today is fire, and she burns

She knows who she is.

So. I can't sleep.

I can never sleep when I want to, seemingly. Only when I don't want to. Like during the day. And then I choose not to. I hate that feeling, when your brain just won't shut up.

I don't think that I'm depressed. But then again, maybe I am and I just can't see it. I don't really feel bad. I just feel lonely all the time. I'm not sure if that's normal or not. One of the ways that I've always helped deal with things is to put up an emotional wall. I guess that's apparently not working. Spanky is constanly asking me what's wrong with me. That's sort of frustrating to me.

I guess I sort of feel empty and I'm not sure why. I know that being here, and doing this is for my betterment, or I wouldn't be doing it. But I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I feel like I'm just living every day, and nothing is being done. Nothing is challenging, nothing is different. I keep doing the same things. Keep having emotional outbursts in front of people. I'm not even really able to lose myself in video games, or hide in books, or art or music or anything. I think the only time that I feel happy during the day is when I'm singing wtih Sarah and Mandy. Singing makes me happy for now. Choir I get to lose myself and not think about anything. As previously stated, things like that are like drugs. I get to forget that I'm Kyle for just 50 mintues. I know that sounds retarded and stupid, as usual, but it's really the truth. I always walk away from there singing and feeling good. And I'm doing well in there. Not just decent, well. I'm pretty excited about it.

I'm not sure what triggers this underlying feeling of constant sadness. It's frustrating not knowing what's wrong with me, and how I can fix it. I miss the days when I could be sad or depressed for attention over stupid meaningless shit. I miss the days when Brett was the most important thing ever, or when things like my dad being mad at me for stupid shit mattered. I miss my dragon t-shirts, and watching Sponge Bob with Tyler Mills, and singing the F.U.N. song, or my youth group and all of those people that I still secretly care about and wonder about from time to time that hate my guts. I feel like there are so many things that I missed out on, and so many things that I shouldn't have done. For instance. I never would have gotten half as involved as I did had I known what it would mean later on. Dean Pearson saw what I did in High School and tried to put me in this club, and that club, and SIFE, and SGA, and all of this other shit. I just had to tell her that I wasn't interested at all, in the least. I'm the one who gets shit done around here anyway. I don't need to start going to club meetings to do that. For instance, I had a talked with the Dean the other day about the food and how much it sucks dick. Oh, yeah, and how I come away from eating it feeling really sick, like right now. We talked about possible solutions, and talked to the cafeteria ladies, the truth is that they just don't have the equipment to make other things. So simple solution? Order different equipment. It frustrates me that nothing gets done around here unless someone pushes it. I just want to go to school and not have to worry about things like the internet.

I don't really feel bad. I know that Justin is hurting just as much as I am. There's this girl in his life. He knows that she's the one. She's his, the one he wants. Not only would he die for this girl, but she has to pull all of this stupid shit. Like, he misses a call from her and he freaks out and starts kicking himself. Or, how he has the opportunity to have sex with someone, and doesn't because he doesn't think that she would like that. They're not even dating, just to clarify. She apparently "doesn't know what she wants." which, IMO is another way of saying "I may have use for you later, stick around." I of course, don't have the heart to tell him that. So I just watch him go through every day, longing for the impossible. Josh (Spanky) is the same way. If you'd heard half of the stuff that he'd done for this girl, you'd date him. (you being no one in particular). He's really sweet to me, I can't imagine how he treats someone that he's close to like that. I'm watching someone else. I think that she's doing amazing. I don't think there's one day that goes by that I don't think "wow, I wish I could be her." I admire someone who, against all odds has made a place for themselves. I wish that I would have done that, instead of just going here, not knowing what I was doing with my life. I still don't really feel sure. 

I guess writing all of this silly shit out has made me feel a bit better. It's now 2 am. I went to bed at 10, if that gives you any idea.  I've just been tossing and turning in bed for hours. It would be okay if this wasn't constant. If this hadn't become my existance. If I didn't feel pathetic all the time. I think what I'm giong to do is sleep in tomorrow and only go to my later class. I know that's a bit Paris Hilton-esq (as a friend of mine so elequently put it a bit ago), but I think a day off doing nothing would be good. Just to relax, get some cleaning and stuff done. Maybe I'll feel a little bit better after I have food and clean? Who knows. We'll see. Anyway, night.

P.S. If you DO read all of this, feel free to comment, just don't leave me lame ass ones like, "I'm sorry. it will get better." if I wanted attention, I'd blog on mysapce.